The monster’s return

It’s been a rough start to the semester.

Not long before I began part two of my first year in the social work masters program, I fell ill again. I don’t mean I fell ill from a cold, the flu, or a medical ailment. I fell ill with depression.

Blogging about this very personal issue is a form of a therapy for me. Writing is therapy. I hope to let those know who are also suffering from depression or any other mental illness that they are not alone. I’ve said it and have written about it before. However, it has to be said even more.

I knew something was wrong when I had an adverse reaction to my antidepressant in late December. I began to frequently experience nausea, a loss of appetite and a heart that was racing so fast, I became scared.

These symptoms lasted for about a week or longer, then I noticed I started to feel that dark cloud moving in over me. The crippling anxiety crept its way back into my life at the worst possible time. Keeping up with my studies, internship and work has been an uphill battle.

Some days, I don’t even want to leave my bed. All of my motivation, my will, my drive, is gone.

Gone. I become a person who merely exists, going through the motions of life. I don’t feel like I’m truly living.

I’m quick to anger, quick to tears. There’s a heaviness sitting in my chest and waking up and bringing myself out of bed can be a daunting task when I’m having a depressive episode.

For those who have never suffered from depression or anxiety, this is what it feels like:

-The heavy weight resting on your chest that you can’t lift off no matter how hard you try to push it off.
-A dark fog that surrounds you and makes it hard to think, to concentrate, to breathe.
-A never ending sense of dread that overtakes your spirit and holds it hostage.
-You stop caring about your ambitions, your goals, your dreams.
-Small tasks become exhausting.
-You aren’t yourself. You find yourself irritable and becoming agitated with the most absurd and trivial issues.
-All you want to do is sleep during the day because you lie awake at night with unpleasant thoughts and irrational worries and fears overtaking every space of your mind.

Luckily, I have a solid support system and I’m in therapy and going through some med changes. Some days are great, some days are OK, some days just fucking suck.

Today is an OK day. Just OK. Not great, but OK. I’ll take it. It’s better than the bad days I’ve had.

I’ve heard the phrase that depression is anger turned inward. I admittedly still harbor anger from issues in my past. However, I’m being proactive and working on them.

I’ve also read several articles that state some research has shown depression may be a result of inflammation/allergic reaction within the body. I am not sure of that since it’s new and is still being researched, but if the main culprit(s) are discovered and can be cured, that would be wonderful.

Read more about that here.

I hope with time, therapy, the right medication and some positive lifestyle changes, I will be back to myself again.

One day at a time.

2 thoughts on “The monster’s return

  1. Mrs. Kirwin says:

    Jessica, you are a great person with so much strength and good in you. If you don’t mind I will say a prayer for you to find your way back into a better life here so you can finish your studies. I really think there must be something waiting for you down the road, something where you are needed. Have to say I don’t know much about depression except that there are many causes, but there are many things to help come back from it as well and you are wise enough to seek help with this.

    • jessicamaes7 says:

      Thank you, Mrs. Kirwin. I do not mind at all, I appreciate it. I think so, too. All struggles happen for a reason and things get better. This is just a bump in the road I have to get over. Thank you for the kind words.

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