Note: I came up with a new and catchy for my blog: The Feisty Introvert. Stay tuned for upcoming changes!
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been seriously slacking off in keeping up with my writing. I contemplate and brainstorm topics, only to turn my nose up at them and discard them after coming to the conclusion that I wanted to write what was already being written about. (i.e. Trump’s presidency being a serious threat to human rights, the environment, the middle class, the world, etc.) We all know he’s a threat to the entire human existence along with the rest of his cronies. I could go on a tangent that would last for hours.
This time, I thought I’d write about the personal changes and growth I’ve encountered in the last year.
It’s two months into 2017 and I feel like I’m a stronger person than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Sure, I’m still overcoming years of childhood trauma that affects every aspect of my adult life along with constantly battling depression/anxiety, but this time I feel like I’m winning the fight instead of losing it.
Last year and years before, I couldn’t say that with honesty. I was losing the battle. I lost my identity, my sense of self and my well-being. I lost a job and nearly lost my education because I found myself feeling trapped in an abusive relationship and developed unhealthy ways of coping with the stress and abuse.
I was falling fast and could have lost my life more than once in those dismal times. I wish I was exaggerating about the “could have lost my life more than once” part, but I’m not.
As each day passed, I found myself thinking darker and darker thoughts. I was being gaslighted and manipulated on a daily basis by someone who was a textbook narcissist and a master manipulator who did nothing but bring misery, chaos and empty promises into my life.
One day I’ll write more about that moment, but now is not that time. I’m still not ready to publicly share everything I went through and some poor choices I made along the way.
Today, I can truly say I’m happy and I feel the best I’ve felt in my life. Of course there are always improvements to be made and growth that needs to occur. I’m always eager to continue learning and growing as a human being.
I am fighting mental illness and winning.
Funny story — I’m literally learning how to fight. My best friend started doing heavy armor combat fighting with a group known as the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA).
Anyone that knows me knows I’m a lover and not a fighter, at first I was hesitant out of fear of hurting others. I’ve been reassured multiple times that I’m not going to hurt them. I am always nervous before going to practice. Sometimes I feel silly in the armor, but I know I look badass. (I’ll look even more badass when I have my own!)
I’m grateful to my best friend Jax for encouraging me to join and pushing me to go to practice on days when I’m not feeling so social or chipper. Once I get there and start fighting, I am having a blast with all of the endorphins flowing and adrenaline pumping through me.
It is challenging at times, but it is worth it. It’s helping me fight my depression/anxiety and boosting my self-confidence, which has been and still is sorely lacking. However, I’m more confident than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I don’t have any plans to stop fighting either. I’ll keep on fighting and I’ll keep on winning.